Confession #3: I'm terrified to come face to face with the people I've moved away from.

I confess, I'm afriad of what they'll think of me.

Moving away from someone is life-changing. I've heard it millions of times. I hadn't thought, though, it would get to the point where I would be afriad to even talk on the phone to my past friends.

I think I'm worried that they'll realize that I've changed.
Changed too much for them.
At times I don't even feel like talking to them because I want to preserve the relationship I had with them when I was there.
When I was a different person.
I don't want this to go away.
I don't want them to talk to me one day and say-
'Patti's changed a lot. I don't feel comfortable being her friend anymore.'
I notice the little pauses that they take while over the phone, relishing the fact that I never would have said what I did just then when I was physically there with them.

I guess I want things to go back to the way they were,
but I don't want to undermine myself either.
I feel like here I'm the person I am, with nothing to hide,
but everything to have changed.

Confession #2: When under the water, I get scared to close my eyes in the shower for a particular period of time.

I confess, I can't keep them closed for more than half of a minute.

I get scared. Honest to God. I don't believe it has anything to do with the horror
films I've seen (the only movie that includes anything happening in the shower that I've watched is 'The Grudge', and when I close my eyes I sure don't imagine a hand coming out of my head), but yet when I have to chose to go blind because shampoo is running down my head, I have to rinse the stuff off quickly because I practically start to hyperventilate. When I open my eyes I sware I'm going to see something horrific, or just not be able to open my eyes. I don't know where the fear's prung from, but it came from someplace, clearly.
Most people say it's because of the movie 'It'. Never seen it.
Others say its because said person is afraid of drowning. The water is my second home.

I think it might be something more deep set. A premonition. I hope not, but who really knows?
I'm curious as to see whether it progresses and goes haywire, or goes away.
Hopefully the latter.

Confession #1: I don't really think this is going to work.

I confess, I don't blieve this blog is going to go very far.

Not many people will look at it. I will, though. I like reviewing my writings, not matter how ridiculous of an idea they were. It's supposed to be for me, right? I just think that in the future, with no real support, I don't think I'll later have the heart and the will to continue.

Personaly, I think this is a good idea. I've never been good with New Year's resolutions- although my last one was really well set. I had some simple things on there, like getting a new hair-cut and setting more time aside for myself to do things for me,
but I actually took the time to imagine waht would better me.
Getting more in touch with my artistic side.
Erasing the habit of looking back at the past.
Beginning to fine my purpose in life.
And, well, I did focus on those things in the beginning of the year, but once I got to living through the year, some of those things happened naturally.
I think it helped by setting lines for the goals.
The problem was, they weren't really straightforward, and I didn't really know what to pinpoint.

This year, I'm going to make it different. I'm going to use this blog to exaplore myself,
and try and strengthen the things that make me the person I am,
and get rid of the things that get in my way.


I just hope it works.